$35K

Shaq doesn't give a fuck about 35K, and why should he?? Oh i dunno, maybe because that money equates to 5000 meals, 14 Lucic punches, a night in Vegas with Jordan Jr.... or if you were to purchase Aaron Carter's hit single That's How I Beat Shaq on iTunes, that's like 35353.53 songs!
Shaq aka Diesel/Shaq-fu/BigAristotle/BigDaddy/Superman/BigAgave/BigCactus/BigShaqtus/BigGalactus/WiltChamberneezy/BigBaryshnikov/RealDeal/Dr./BigShamrock/BigLeprechaun/Shaqovic/BigConductor is hardly fantasy relevant these days, although he's still highly quotable. Just for shits and giggles take a look at Diesel's old gamelogs, they're fucking ridiculous. Remember in 93' when he had 28rebs and 15blks on Jersey? I don't. But yeah that happened. With KG ruining my life and going down with some lower leg bullshit last night, Tommy Heinsohn is gonna need Shaq to quit screwing around with Nate Robinson and start bending rims again.

Al Thornton : Yay or Nay?

I'd say Nay, despite the misleading picture. After a god awful start, Thorn-daddy started to see more minutes. While averaging approximately 26-29 min a game in mid December Al (Alfred?... Allen? Algorithm?) was scoring double digits (although maintaining an undesirable average of 9.4 pts) and considered a decent start. His boards have dropped since the beginning of the year, and considerably since last season, but it seemed like he might have a resurgence. In fact, I picked him off the wire in my keeper league and Fanarchy fucking loved that shit. Then John Wall came back. Then Rashard Screwed-us reared his ugly head and now it seems like Thornton's minutes will diminish even further. Where does Yi fit in? He serves to bury Al even deeper in the rotation. What about Josh Howard (sucks) ? Well, you get the idea.

Elsewhere, Tony Parker is still heartbroken. This whole Eva Longoria thing is really getting to him. Shooting out of control, he's rocked 19+ points 8 times in December. Ginobili is still shook from the UFO incident and only mustered 9 pts last evening against the the Steve BLakers (which is also considered a fantasy kick in the pants), so Tony had to take matters into his own hands. You could tell Eva was on his mind the whole time though. "Tony thought he knew what love was, what did he know?" He exploded into a first quarter frenzy, picturing this in his mind the whole time, while George Hill and Kobe discussed how they were going to get coverage on the Bear. Tony was quiet in the 2nd, then remembered what Don Henley said in that song... "Don't look back, Tony never look back." So he ended up with 23 pts on 10-18 shooting, and made sure to give you what you really wanted... 2 steals.

"Tony can tell you, his love for Eva will still be strong, after Tim Duncan's fantasy game is gone..."

The nights are so cold without Gerald Wallace

Christmas food, family get togethers, way too much booze and the longest fantasy football week of all time for those of us keeping it real with the pigskin. Needless to say, we're all a little stressed, so I figured I'd do a quick run down of last night's NBA action to ease the tension. This brand new trend on the Internet called facebook (why did that come up when I searched facebook?) is sweeping across the world, as is a spin off called Vague-booking. So, to keep up with the hip youth of today, I'm going to Vague-blog.

Charlotte vs Detroit

Stuckey showed us all why he's still not considered a candidate in keeper leagues by dropping a not-so-cool 6-3-1, while Sir Charlie V showed him how its done with 5-5 three point shooting. Chris Wilcox (still plays basketball apparently) put up his first double digit scoring game of the season with 15pts and 8rebs. While he might be trying to prove he's worth more minutes, we all know he's not, so don't hold your breath for that to happen again. While on the Charlotte front, Gerald Wallace missed his 5th game in a row, prompting Boris Diaw to put up another mediocre game. Outside the Time Warner Cable Arena, fantasy GM's from all over came to show they're support for Gerald (who targets a Friday return, thank fucking god!) by means of a candlelight vigil. It looked something like this...Orlando vs New Jersey

Dwighty put up a roto-friendly line of 19-13-3 with 6 rejections, but it all fell apart when Kris Humphries blocked him. And in a snowball effect, that block prompted Turkoglu to throw down 20-7-5 with 4 treys. Bizarre, I know, I haven't really made the connection yet, but I know its there. J-Rich feeling the flow in Florida yet? Doesn't look like it, although it appears he's gonna gobble up lots of playing time (approx 32 min per).

Dallas vs OKC

My friend Patty got married this summer, and his wife Nicki said he couldn't read this blog until I mentioned DeShawn Stevenson. Now obviously I was hesitant at first, but last night Deshawn had a menage a' treys on decent %'s (that was 75% from the floor, 75% from deep and 100% from the stripe). Dirk responded in a non-Dirk fashion, by matching Stevenson's line almost identically. Unfortunately for Dirkums it only translated into 13 points. Major downer. Mark Cuban shit when he saw that, but he himself, is happy that Patty can read the Bear now.

Toronto vs Memphis

Nani was out, Kleiza beasted yet again. Read this for an uneducated synopsis. Who the fuck is Joey Dorsey? Or shall I say, Joey '10-13' Dorsey. Meh... play him till Nani's back. Zach Randolph was going for his 4th straight double double (or his 19th of the season) but ended up beating Brent Barry's wife with a rubber hose when he couldn't muster up those last 2 boards. And OJ Mayo really shoved this in my face by going 1 of 5 from beyond and clocking in a measly 12 points.

New Orleans vs Kevin Love-esota

I could make a fantasy roster out of these 2 teams if I had too. CP3 (23 pts, 13 ast, 6 rebs, 5 stls).... and well I guess I'd draft the rest from Minny. Beasley (Beastly) 30pts, 9 rebs, 7 asts, 12-20 shooting. Super cool Beas, super cool dude. And Luke Ridnour, who might be on the wire in your Yahoo! league, had 12 pts and 11 asts last eve, while sexy Wes Johnson scored the ball a whole lot, which he's been known to do from time to time.

Washington vs Houston

Kirk Hinrich is back in the saddle (metaphorically I mean, that is to say if he ever really was there to begin with), at least till John 'dude-love' Wall comes back into the starting lineup, but look out for more 15 or 19 point games while logging heavy minutes. Aaron Brooks also pulled a John Wall and came off the bench, he served up a decently healthy meal of 15-4-5 in 22 min. "Do they really give Chase Budinger play time??" <--- that was me 20 seconds before tuning into this game and remembering Chuck Hayes still plays ball, and is likely to give you minimal hand fulls like 7 pts, 8 rebs, 4 asts, 2 stls when in the starting lineup.

Atlanta vs Milwaukee

Marvin Williams is scoring in double digits constantly right now, Yahoo! sports fantasy writers told me his middle name was 'inconsistent' though, I wonder, do they mean in real life? I dig Marv right now, he's worth a deuce. None of the Hawks reached the 20pt pinnacle last night, and that seems to be a reoccurring trend for them these days. None of them are averaging 20pts this year, which is expected yet still uncomfortable for some Josh Smith / Joe Johnson owners. Lets see, who did well for the Bucks.... Kenyon Dooling?? 42 minutes in each of his last 2 games?? I suppose with Jennings out his ownership is on the rise, but man, im not sure anyone understands the self loathing that accompanies having to write about Dooling. Seriously, about as bad as Deshawn Stevenson. Sigh, well, thats it for me folks. Do we have a picture??

Next up, Adam challenges Don Nelson to a spicy chicken wing eating contest. We explore the fantasy implications!

Choda Week: Fantasy Guide Between Xmas and NYE

Sun's multi-tool Jared Dudley, seen here applying Danny Corey's textbook move, has in his last 4 games created a puzzling double decker sandwich of stat lines. In between games where he totaled 8pts on 1/7 from the field, Doodle blew up for 60pts while shooting 21/32. The Bear hates to openly accuse ballers of drug use, but the only possible explanation is a Christmas ice binge. Owners should cross their fingers in hopes that Red-Dud gets a hold of Heisenberg soon.

Elsewhere, Lamarcus Aldridge continues to devour the competition. Last night he out produced both Thrillsap and Al-Jeff combined, and over the last 2 weeks has averaged 26-11 with almost 3stl/blks. No B-Roy makes Lama the focal point on O.

Why would Javale McGee and Andray Blatche be getting in scraps when they have so much in common? Them boys need to take a lesson.

Shane Battier is a roto phenom, still. He ranks 4th over the last 2 weeks, and has 121 combined tre/stl/blks vs 40 turnovers in 30 games this year.

The T-Wolves are gonna be a handful in a couple years. Love, Bease and Wes-J combined dropped 70 on the hornets last night and won. If Johnny Flynn can return to form, or Rubio's rights don't get traded, the land of 10000 lakes just might return to its days of hardwood glory. (Shout out to Luke Rid who is playing well and still holding down his spot.)

The Bear has many new years resolutions, those that can be publicized include becoming the first bear-cyborg, releasing a series of japanimation cyborg porn dvds, eating well and exercising more often, notching the entire list to his bedpost, and lastly raise an army to march on Conan O'Brien and settle the beef once and for all!!

Christmas Wish List

It's Christmas, the booze is flowing, it's time to write Santa a letter explaining my Fantasy Wish List.

1. I'd like to know why 54% of teams in Yahoo! leagues still have Ron Artest on they're rosters. Seriously brutal. I'm not sure where Steve Blake's fantasy viability ends and where Ron's begins. Awful looking split stats in an awfully lot of playing time. Sonny Weems (when back from injury) should be a better pickup, if still available. I'd like some insight this holiday season as to why people are still clinging to this.

2. For Christmas this year, I'd like to see Brandon Roy bounce back from his knee affliction and return to his 08'/09' splits. That'd be dope if Broy lived up to the mystic wonder we all believed in when we drafted him top 30 (3 years in a row, maybe 4 if your BirdDog). Santa dropped the ball in regards to Greg Oden's repeated requests for a new knee, but maybe Brandon Roy will have more luck on his side.

3. Take my eyes for what I've seen!!! Speaking of Greg Oden, I wish to regress all memory of that happening, and would really like nothing more than for this to never happen again.

Merry Christmas folks!

Jonny Flynn: Deep League Project

Jon-Jon is starting to see some minutes, averaging about 18 a game. While contributing to the shortage of your fantasy teams barren wasteland that is stls/blks (he's gotten next to none so far), there is a slight draw. He's getting more play time than deep wire, fantasy invalids like Mario Chalmers, starter Xavier Henry and the fantasy leper T-Mac. Jonny helps with a handful of dimes, and almost a trey a game (albeit on atrocious shooting). He averages about 5 shots per game in his first 6, so look for him to score the ball moderately. He's a deep league project, but no one really trusts Luke Ridnour, so keep an eye on Jon for now.
Photograph taken in my high rise New York apartment seconds before Patrick Swayze burst through the door and gave me an award for best fantasy blog of all time.

OJ. Mayo: Back in Fantasy GM's favor?

Right now, OJ. Mayo's story can basically be summed up like this. With the mild-ly attractive housewife being played by OJ and the mop & broom played by Fantasy owners. After being benched late November for a regrettable tardiness incident, he became the other woman (6th man) to Xavier Henry, and remains as such today. As the 6th man, although his minutes were cut only sporadically and on occasion (he was still averaging 23mpg) he really Simpsoned Fantasy GM's for a while there. Unfocused blunders from the field like 1-7 and 1-11. Shooting under 50% as well as under 10 pts per game was a major affliction for Slow J until early December. He almost became a Fantasy Ghost. And I bet he would have been the worst kind of ghost too. The kind that hasn't transcended to the after life yet, and still lingers around for 14-20 minutes a game, thinking he's still alive but doesn't score at all. Like Q-Rich. If there's one thing playing with Zach Randolph has taught OJ is to stay the hell away from the unproductive pool. For OJ's part, that pool consists of anything less than 15 shots a game, 10 of said shots connected 'nothing but net'. Zach avoids the underproduction pool at all costs, mainly to avoid shrinkage. Do you think women know about production shrinkage? Does Kim?

It does appear that OJ is back in our favor, 6th man or not. Conley has proven to be a stud of a PG so far, and is clicking in a major way with his teammates and racking up assists like each pass is a double tequila flying across the dance bar towards an impressionable young lady. All the Memphis starters are scoring the ball (last night they all scored in double figures including OJ off the bench) and they don't show any signs of slowing down. It's time to give OJ another chance.

Mike Millers Epic Return

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Ryan Gomes beasts out for a smooth double-double

Drops thick line of 22 pts, 10 rebs, 2 ast, 2 stl, 1 trey.

Tells Rasual Butler to "stuff his clutch 3pt shooting in a sack!!"

Eric Gordon and Blake Griffen combine for extreme fantasy essentials of 58 pts, 11 rebs, 13 asts, 5 treys (all effectiveness from beyond by Gordon)

Donald Sterling picks up DeAndre Jordan on his deep league roster.

Wasn't Gomes supposed to be a staple in the Clips starting lineup? Certainly looked like it off the hop, although his production was miserable (not even inconsistent, more like non existent) throughout November even while averaging 29 min a game. They even handed his starting spot off to Rasual Butler (6.3 pts per game) for a short lived stint, that didn't benefit owners in the least (for either of Eric Gordon's understudies). He was good for a few cheap 'garbage-time' treys for a while, especially since Baron Davis can't take a joke, but Gomes is younger and easier for your team to digest than Butler. 5 years , a funny haircut, and a reappearing starting spot later for Gnomes and he's ready to put on the daddy pants and work his way into your roster (at least for now).

It's time to drop Rasual, trade Baron, consider DeAndre Jordan, start Gomes, and disregard this entire post if you have Eric or Blake on your team.

Kleiza Babaaby!!!

Sam Mitchell 3:16

"Kleiza came to Ed Davis with a message from Jay Triano, death and a sore Italian ankle were known to man. 3 had become 4, and 5, Linas had taken to the inception and was cursed to be unearthed where Jose Calderon and Jared Bayless did not dwell together"

So it shall be written, so it shall be done. LA is just too big for the Raps, but there just one of many teams that monopolize the paint against Toronto on the reg. Bargnani, whose not exactly the Randy Moller of rebounds in the first place (the so-called center is averaging just 5.8), hit the sidelines on the day of the lord to rest his sore ankle, clearing the way for another ball busting performance by Linas Kleiza. I use the term performance loosely, after all, we are talking about the Raps. Nonetheless he did drop a healthy 26-10-2 with 4 treys. 36 minutes later and 2 double figure rebound games for the Lithuanian, and everybody (well, some people.... maybe just us at the bear.... OK fine, maybe just me) starts referring to him as the best rebounder the Raptors have ever seen. A bold statement, but Nani made me say it.

The only question I have is, "does Kleiza have what it takes to be a fantasy impact on more productive teams? Or is he the next Reggie Evans?"

Maybe one day someone will write a basketball blog that delivers answers, rather than raise self indulgent questions. Maybe I'll start Kleiza in my head 2 head league this week? I'll wait to see what that blog has to say.

Look at this sweet move he used to pull all the time in the Euro's.

Orlando, Washington play yankee swap: Fantasy Implications

Apparently Gilbert Arenas is taking a his locker full of guns and heading to play with Dwight Howard and Chris Duhon in Orlando. They Yankee-swapped with the Wizards for Rashard Lewis and one of those foam hands that let's people know who you think is #1. The Suns and Magi (like cacti) also completed a deal that sends the Suns Jason Richardson, Hedo Turkoglu and Earl Clark to Orlando for Vince Carter, Marcin Gortat, Mikael Pietrus and a first round pick in 2061. As far as fantasy goes, there should be some good upswings in value and some horrible declines:

Winners:

Marcin Gortat: Go pick up the polish hammer right now! Right fucking now! I already checked and he's gone in all but one of my 7 leagues. Gortat should step into the 5 position on the Suns floor and immediately start seeing hefty amounts of rebounds, blocks and scoring. He'll cripple Robin Lopez if he has too. His numbers in 5 career starts are 9.2/11.2 with 2.4 blocks. Go get em'.

Gilbert Arenas: Ever since the Wiz got the first pick in the draft everyone knew Gilbert was done in Washington. Move along son, it's Johns town now. Having a monster like Dwighty on the inside is a dream come true for a player who's averaged 6 three point attempts per game over his career. He should split some time with Jameer Nelson at the point and Jason Richardson at the off guard, but still see lots of shots.

Hedo Turkoglu: Perhaps another chance at regaining his former roto glory-hole days, Hedo will likely see plenty of minutes initiating the offense from the small forward and power forward slots. Getting back to his 15/5/5 ways isn't out of the question (ed: it probably is) as he finally remembers how good he had it playing with the DPOY.


Orlando Magic: Getting rid of shitty Vince Carter and awful Rashard Lewis is a big step for anyone in my opinion and we'll keep saying it until we get contacted by Vince Carter's lawyer.

Losers:

Rashard Lewis: This is the beginning of the end for ol' Shard. He's not great at creating his own shot, playing defense or even shooting the ball efficiently anymore. This was basically a cost cutting move for the Wiz as Lewis is only guaranteed 10 million in his final season. If Rashard puts up anymore than his 12 points and 1.8 three's I'll shit and eat my pants.

Earl Clark: Big time loser

Draw:

Vince Carter: Will be on the receiving end of a lot of Steve Nash goodness. With Richardson gone, Carter will Step right into the starting 2 role and will be given a long leash to shoot in the PHX offense. It's a Draw/Win.

Jason Richardson: Will keep bombing it from downtown and lead the league in 3's all year, no slow down in sight.

Mikael Pietrus: Should play some 2hooting guard for the suns and start to see some value in 3 PTM and scoring.


Next up we challenge NBA players to fights over Twitter. Does JJ Reddick have the balls to respond to Crash's chants of: "I slept with your mom"? Find out next week.

Joe Johnson Is Santa Claus

Joe Johnson to the projected 4-6 weeks - "Get Fucked!!!"

Joe Joe revealed himself as Father Christmas Friday night against Charlotte and gave the gift of love to all fantasy owners by returning 3 weeks early from the fantasy debilitating elbow injury. The love translated into 16 pts, 8 asts, 5 rebs. This should clear the way for Jamal Crawford to stay home from now on.

Other noteworthy injury updates:

Mehmet Okur snuck into the lineup for 10 minutes and didn't do much of anything. Looks like the Polygamists are gonna ease him back to regular speed with limited play time off the start, but it is good news nonetheless.

And Kenyon Martin is possibly playing Wednesday? He's owned by only 1% in Yahoo! leagues, so if PF's with lips tattooed on they're necks are your thing, he might be something to look at especially while Chris Anderson is out and Carmelo is trying to impress the Knicks.

Gerald Wallace is also listed as day-to-day after landing hard on his getaway sticks against the Raps on Tuesday, but I don't want to talk about that or I'll have consecutive aneurysms. Pick up Boris Diaw and hate yourself later.

So you see kids, if you've been good all year, Joe Johnson might just come down your chimney on December 24th and stuff your stocking with a juicy 17-4-5.4 average, and you'll like it.

Fantasy Hype Machine: PG Changes in this years Fantasy Landscape

This is a little feature I've been planning for a while. Spotlight some of the positive changes in stats at each position and how they are effecting (affecting?fuck) your team in fantasy this year:

Derrick Rose: 3's
Derrick (he's my good friend, we are on a first name basis) has been hoisting three's like all the "he's over rated in fantasy" talk came from his parents bedroom and he had his ear pressed up against the door. His insane 15% jump in 3pt efficiency though is a little suspect as apparently all it takes to be one of the best long range shooters in the league is an off-season of work. The triples haven't slowed though as he's knocking down 2.4 on 52% in December!

Russel "the love muscle" Westbrook: Free throws
We all know Russ is a vicious dunker. Thus a lane-driver, thus he's gonna get fouled and get to the line like some city pays him to play for their sports team. Westy's been shooting a very efficient 87% on 8 attempts a game. Granted it was 9 in November and it's at more like 6 attempts per in December but the bear's not mad though. The Bear loves Fuselage Westrbrook and what he brings to our team.

Raymond Felton: Overall Beastliness
D'antoni is obviously fantasy crack, as Wilson Chandler, A'm'a'r'e and Ray Felts can all attest. His points per game leading Knicks are giving out fantasy old fashioneds like there not 15$ behind the dumpster out back. Felton increased just about everything you can increase in fantasy besides TO's, but if your winning yer league and doing good in To's you can go fuck yourself. The Knickerbockers are rolling too, winning 8 of they last ten and Raymond has been a big part of that. If you drafted him yer Fantasy team is prolly rolling too as he's been a top ten roto player all year and drafted somewhere around what? Pick 60? *should I draft Mo Williams here? maybe Baron Davis?* Woot! you fucked up.

Tony Parker: Steals
Unusual that Tony "Erin 'the Rock Thief' Barry" Parker is thieving rocks like his lack of ball thieving in his first 9 years is suddenly weighing on his conscience like a bad marriage. Desperate, housewives who drafted him all over the country are looking for trading partners as this 3 category guards value is at a nice high right now. I'm in one league with my Dad and he just acquired Tony Parker along with Lebron James for some spare parts.

Mike Bibby: 3pt%
Do you play in a league that counts 3pt%? No? Who gives a fuck about Mike Bibbsy then? I do! I god damn do! Henry Bibby's son has actually been a nice low turnover option for 3's and assists this year. His glory days are clearly behind him, but he's been a steady presence for the young Hawks these last few years.

DJ Augustin: A/T ratio
Another November terror who has seen his effectiveness dip a little as Santa kicks him in the junk. His TO's have gone up and assists are down in December leading to hysterical death threats from my friend Josh, who we inducted into the keeper league this year. I swore up and down he should take James Harden from the keeper pool we offered him and he chose Augustin instead. I told him it's a "warm season lawn grass that is popular for use in tropical and sub-tropical regions" and it wouldn't take in our climate.

Deron Williams: Slight upping of game and being a fantasy rock
The Pau Gasol of point guards. He's efficient, he's propped up his treys and scoring nicely and you never feel bad about taking him near the end of the first round.

Rajon Rondo: Shitting assists
We all knew Rajon had a few good players to pass too. No one thought he would slaughter assist records in his first dozen games though. Not since Ben Wallace averaged more intangibles than points has a players value been so lopsided.

John Wall: Tendinitis
JW looked great coming out of the gate and it's the pits seeing a young stud have to deal with a nagging injury like this. I still like him for Rookie of the year. Blake 'Lively' Griffin could give him a run for his money but it seems like a point guards league these days

Ja' MeerKat' Nelson: Taking advantage of playing with one of the best Centers in the game
Nelson is playing nice ball right now, making a 1.6 three's and dishing 7+ assists. I'm pretty sure Josh could produce those kind of numbers if Dwight Howard played on his Mens league team.

What in the fuck is this?

Is Kwame Brown still alive??

Coulda fooled me, I seriously thought he was dead, I mean, he even looks like Jermaine O'Neal (assuming it's understood amongst the fantasy community that Jermaine is a fantasy zombie), let alone has a gamelog that mirrors O'Neal's (grisly averages of 4-4). I almost shit my pants when I saw him log 18 minutes against the Raptors last night, then had a tough time cleaning it up when I noticed he clocked in 10-6 with a steal and 2 blocks. Fantasy wise, I'd rather start Nazr Mohammed whose been flying under the radar and putting up double digit lines for the last 3, and doesn't have greasy corn rows. Then again, I'd rather run head first into traffic then start either.

Speaking of Michael Jordan's Bobcats taking on the Raps last night, Bargnani put up a stinker, going 4-14 from the floor which is uncharacteristic of him this year. I wouldn't count on this happening too often, I think Nani just got scared when he saw Gerald Wallace do this to Sonny Weems. I also hear people talking about Linas Kleiza as a deep league option. Clearly, as you can see, when this less muscular version of Peyton Hillis gets the playing time, big scoring happens. So keep an eye on Kleiza because Jay Triano is somewhat Don Nelsonish with the minutes these days, and it's probably because he doesn't know what to do when the fantasy titans in Charlotte block 13 shots and force a pitiful 40% from the field for the whole team.

What exactly is Triano doing here and who the fuck are these girls??

Elsewhere last evening, Reggie Williams proved to be a double figure staple when playing over 26 minutes. 17 treys in 4 games?? The audacity of Reggie. He hangs out downtown so much bombing treys that he no longer calls it Downtown. Just simply Town now. Speaking of Town, Charlie V hangs out there lots these days too, trying to do his Reggie Williams impersonation from the PF spot. 7 treys in his last 3, Kevin Garnett's biggest trash talk regret is trying his darnedest to beef up that average pts per game and show fantasy owners his life still has value.

As usual, there were a few busts last night. Jamal Crawford saw Joe Johnson taking shots at practice and thought the 4-6 weeks had already passed, so he saw it fit to score 2pts on 1-6 shooting in a full blown 30 minutes of playing time. But don't sweat it, he filled up the stat sheet one way or another by turning the ball over 5 times. Thanks Jamal.

Kim Kardashian says "more rebounds!" and Kris Humphries answered her exotic basketball related mating call and pulled down 13, but Derrick Favors wanted some too, so he did the same. Did Kim notice? Naw, she was more concerned (as we all were) that Fantasy Stalwart Iguodala was only able to muster up 8 pts in 40 minutes. What the fuck happend Iggy?? Either way, Thaddeus Young decided if Iggy was going down, he was going down with him. He had a bust of a line as well with 2-5.

And the final bust of this post is one we all expected. Steve Blake. Step off Steve, seriously... STEP OFF! Is it safe to say Steve Blake is the worst human being of all time? Would that be harsh? More harsh than starting him for 0 pts and 5 rebounds? What in the fuck do I need boards out of you for Stevie?

Terrence Willams seeks advice from 12 year old boy, gets legal advice from talking dog

Terrence Williams journey to the D-leagues was a blow to fantasy owners who had invested into the promising second year player at the beginning of the season. The news that he had a major revelation while in the minors is quite interesting. He claims he asked a 12 year old boy if he watched the NBA, where the child replied that T-Will was one of the players he watched and that he didn't understand why he would want to give it away. The only thing more unbelievable then him having a life changing experience in the D-leagues is that this 12 year old kid "watches" Terrence Williams. He's been traded to the Rockets so hopefully Avery Johnson's Irish ass never sees him again


Kris "career bench warmer" Humphries (as he likes to be called) continues to steal Brook Lopez's thunder. B-Lo has struggled all season under Avery and actually averages 2 rebounds a game less then Humph. If you're in a keeper league this may be the only time you can get your big, trout eating paws on the better Lopez brother, as either Avery figures out how to get better production out of their star or he ends up coaching Terrence Williams in the D. Mikhail Prokhorov still has the Vodka and prostitutes on ice for the impending NBA championship/dynasty.

Martell Webster makes his long awaited season debut tonight against the defense-less Warriors. Tell-Tell had a promising preseason before getting injured right before the season began. He has never really lived up to his fantasy potential as he has been prone to injury and buried on a deep Trail Blazer team for the beginning of his career. This year he is on a (perpetually) rebuilding T-Wolves team and should get plenty of chance to see the court and watch KLove rebound all those missed shots.

Fallout from the T-Will for 2 first round picks trade is that it is clear the Nets are making a push for Carmelosh Anthony. It's been well documented that Melo thinks New Jersey is a stinky hell hole but Prokhorov gets what Prokhorov wants. Early indications are the Nuggets have repeatedly turned down Kris Humpheries for Melo straight up, so speculation is they will use up to 4 of their first round picks, Troy "Kris Humphries Sr." Murphy and Derrick Favors to pry Me-losh away for at least the end of this season. Fantasy wise it's still a good time to get your paws on Arron Afflalo or Ty Lawson, as they should see a big bump in production.

James Harden gives JJ Hickson the gears

I like James Harden, He's a pretty good scorer. The games he's played without Kevin Durant have been nice. Defense is the only thing keeping him from playing 30+ minutes on most nights and his career per 36's speak for themselves: 15 pts, 1.7 stls, 1.9 3s. Translates nicely into fantasy anyway. If he could somehow just collapse the Swiss economy then he would be rolling in playing time.

What happened Ben Wallace??

Was that real? We both know it'll never happen again. But seriously, can I somehow transfer the value of you hitting a trey to go along with a monstrous double double with 4 assists and 5 steals onto my fantasy football team that suffered a terrible loss at the hands of Aaron Rodgers' questionable rushing decisions this week? Is this blog even about basketball anymore?

Nice line bud, too bad most people had you on they're benches. Wallace should now return to the norm, which isn't pretty, and ranges from about 3-6 pts per game, and the same in boards sadly. Maybe he'll do this again sometime against the Raps, or another brutal defensive team, or maybe not...

Stranger things have happened.

Manu Ginobili Spots UFO: Fantasy Impact

Apparently Manu saw a light in the sky last week and as far as fantasy is concerned, he's been your light in the sky all season. Min, Pts, Stls, 3ptm, Assts, Ft%, Fgm, and Field Goals attempted are all at career highs right now. He's in the starting line-up and Gregg Pop told George Hill to fuck himself. Everything has been going swimmingly in Bat Manus world until this recent spat with the US government attacking Argentina. The video can be seen here. How will Manu respond going forward? Clearly it's shaken his very core, as he's posted 5 december games of 34% shooting from the floor. The preipherals are still sound but a little down from his first 17 games. Will this trend continue? The Spurs are winning games even with Time Duncan on the decline and they lead the western conferance by a game over Denver. The Spurs dominance coupled with Giggles injury history and Matt Bonners desperate attemps to cover the whole thing up make Manu look like a nice sell high candidate in a month or so. As soon as he picks it back up or snaps his ankle clean from his body, whichever comes first. How do you like them apples?

NBA Fantasy: Are these guys real?

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Javale McGee needs to palm that shit!

Baaaahahahahaa! Was the best part the scream?? Was it the the audacity of trying to cup the rock from the ftl? Was it the ball flying wildly off the backboard, reminiscent of the first time you tried a finger-roll on the break? The bear is ashamed. The words epic and fail get tossed around a lot lately, thanks to those fuckin kids and their facebook. I ain't mad at Java though, ranking around the top 50 even though he's playing under 28min a game. Dude's pretty freaky, check these numbers. If I only needed 5.5 inches to touch the rim, life would be different.

Reggie Williams VS. The World

Well, the inconsistent, non-blog worthy, Kris Humphries envying, Don Nelson fearing D-league'r is back, at least for one glorious night. Steph Curr went down early with more ankle troubles, clearing the way for the last bit of Nellie's sanity to fly away like a plastic Safeway bag in Hurricane Katrina style winds. But something else happened, something obscene, and I don't mean Tony Parker's defense. Reggie Williams cracked open the foundation of the earth and reigned fire from the heavens (in Lehman's terms, he drained 8 big ones from downtown and totalled a career high 31 pts on 68.8% shooting). Reggie hates Steph Curr, because he's younger, faster, better and Don Nelson favors him. Williams will always be a cheap source of treys, but as proven last night the situation can easily spiral out of control into the career high realm when Curry goes down and the minutes are there. Unfortunately, starters sidelined or not, Nellie is still bat shit crazy when handing out minutes, but he's got a sweet Bear-Belly, so we'll forgive him.

Do you think he understands a word Donny is saying?

Amar'e Stoudemire is a FREAK!

5 straight games with 30+ pts

Stat's game log is utterly satisfying. Succulent, juicy big man numbers that might peak to a career high this year. He's .7 from achieving career high in points and as well .7 from doing the same on the boards. His defensive peripherals have just about climaxed to a combined 3, and his turnovers are the highest they've ever been, but honestly, raise your hand out there if you haven't punted the TO category. See... everybody's doing it.

Stat was ranked 12 coming into the year by Yahoo!, but I felt good about nabbing him top ten because of the new team / old shot caller setup they got going on in NY. The big guy is certainly panning out in his new 'fantasy heavy' surroundings. Mike D'Antoni must have drafted Felton, Gallinari and Stoudemire for his own Fantasy team this year.

Seriously though, did you check that link for the Knicks cheerleaders?

Old News; Marbury Batshit crazy

Sunday 5 : Beards of the NBA

It's Sunday, were all hung over, you can't spell beard without Bear, Peyton Hillis is more important to Cleveland now than Lebron ever was, I can't stomach anything but potato chips right now and It's looking like I'm just rambling on about the first thoughts that come to my head. Shit, this might not go well.. Lets have a look at some classic beards.

1.James Harden
He's always had a thick beard, thick like Baron's and certainly more stylish than this. The only thing thicker is James' deep threat potential. Like if he potentially hit all 7 treys he attempted Friday vs the Raps rather than just 3. But seriously Nov 20th he started and logged just under 40 min and respectfully buried 6 of 8 from deep, achieving his season high in pts (23).

2.Baron Davis

Shaved his beard (presumably.... maybe allegedly... maybe not at all....definitely not) and flaked out of Fantasy GM's favor this year by missing time with a knee-jerk injury and putting up downright shitty lines thus far.

3. Jamal Crawford
By now, everyone has heard that Joe Johnson will miss 4-6 while on vacation, and I don't really know about you, but I own Joe Joe in multiple leagues and had an aneurysm when I heard. Since then Jamal has increased his playing time by about 4 minutes per game and has still not managed a starting spot, but did grow this sweet beard....

Wait.. thats not a... well never mind. Speaking of chest hair, this will give you some.

4. Drew Gooden
Well, that beard just looks fuckin stupid. Drew Gooden eh... lets see, minimalist PF/C stats and a plane jane excitability factor when watching him. Sigh... I'm just reaching now.

5.Khloe Kardashian
Perhaps the most prominent of all NBA beards, is Lamar Odom's. Gay rumors (and truths) would cripple Lamar, and Fantasy GM's want nothing less than the 15.3 pts, 10.3 rebs, 3.5 asts and combined 2.5 for blk/stl/3ptm. The Lakes are focused on a 3rd straight championship, and that's where Lamar's head needs to be at, so we here at the Bear are giving a last shoutout to possibly the most effective beard in the NBA, Kim Kardashian's less attractive sister. Let's get a quick look at Kim.
NICE!

Flu Ravages the Magic

Bogut, Jennings rejoice, Carter, Lewis respond with 13-38 effort

The South American shitting flu ripped through the magic over the weekend and left Quentin Richardson and Chris Duhon unable to stop a surging Milwaukee Bucs squad on Saturday. As Dwight Howard was driving the porcelain bus, Andrew Bogut beasted on Marcin Gortat to the tune of 31 and 18 with 4 combined steals/blocks. Brandon Jennings pitched in with a 27/7/6 and Rashard Lewis continued his trend of refusing to shoot the ball efficiently from the floor. He's so brave. I've heard the flu is somehow contagious, so I've asked my son to stop starting any Magic player in his Fantasy League until they're healthy again. Seriously though, they should be good to go for weekly line-ups that start on Monday.

Next up we take a look at the espn.com retired talk show host league. Does Montel Williams have what it takes in his match-up with Sally Jessy Rafael? Stay tuned.

BUCK-WILD WEEKEND UPDATE!

Ilysova balls out for Turkey in light of the annual American slaughter, Larry Sanders... really?

Over the last week Milwaukee lames Ersan Ilyasova and rookie Larry Sanders have ranked in the top 50, ahead of fantasy Juggernauts Bron-Bron, Crash and J-Smitz. While this isn't the first time the Turkish Delight has tickled the fantasy community, Larry appeared out of oblivion to post a near pts/rebs/blks triple double (14-10-8) on the Nuggets. TRUE, the p.t. was due to injuries to starting bigmen Bogut and Gooden, but BoGo have proven to be injury riddled invalids throughout thier careers. Ers has put in 14 and 9 with roughly 2 tres 2 stls and a blk on average last week, and is Mos Def a must play as long as he gets minutes. Sadly for Mr. Sanders the Ozzy may return this weekend, making him watchlist material.

In other news, Wesley Mathews continues to punish Nic Batum owners to the tune of 23pts 3tres, 2stl/blks and 50% from the floor as a starter. Those owning Batum should fight the urge to hang themselves with their belt, use a rope so your pants don't fall down.

Elsewhere vanilla bean Josh McRoberts has quietly been roto-balling, over his last 5 games he has amassed 20 blks/stls/tres to just 2 tos. In comparison, J.J. Hickson has 12 blk/stl/tres to 38 turn overs this year.

Tyson Chandler is shooting 67-80% on the season and credits Brian Cardinal as his inspiration.
Andris Biedrins followed up 4 straight double digit reb performances (including a monster 28 and 21 vs the grizz) with 4pts and 3rebs. He's shooting 30% from the line and is wildly inconsistent as is the custom in Latvia.

Joe aka 16 Million is out 4-6 weeks, smile if you own Jamal Crawford.

Lastly, a warning to J.J. Hickson.. I am coming to kill you. I am going to eat your heart with a nice glass of chianti.

Brook Lopez double-doubles in Triple OT

Fantasy Community rejoices!

Brooklyn had yet to achieve a double digit rebound and scoring effort this season. What the fuck? He's ranked about 50-60th best fantasy player depending on who you ask and is making those managers that took Kevin Love, Joakim Noah or Elton Brand as there C 1 look pretty fucking suave. Brookie is still taking about 6 shots a game from the charity stripe on a very efficient 84%, blocking almost 2 shots a game and scoring at a career high clip, so what gives? Why the fuck did it take a triple over time where his main competition for rebounds was Russel Westbrook? Is it Kris Humphries? Is Kris Humphries really that amazing at rebounding? (He is actually! 11.7 boards per game in 12 starts this year. Eat a bag of dicks Reggie Evans!) With Lopez reaching Bargnani esq levels of glass cleaning, the question is whether he will pick it up or drop to 3rd round material in our hearts. Here is a list of SFs out boarding him:

Rudy Gay 6.6
Luol Deng 6.7
Jeff Green 6.7
Martin Lawrence 6.8
Andre Igoudala 6.7
Gerald Wallace 8.0
Carmelo Anthony 8.3