Thursday, March 31, 2011

Facts and Fables, Part 3X

Fact: Acquiring Stephen Jackson is a Kiss of Death

I knew this, but it didn't stop me.. George Orwell played me like a game of go fish, his exact words: "S-Jax is gunna go off with Crash gone". In a state of blinding competitiveness I fell for the line. It was as if I was some buxom 18 year old blond who had aspirations of a modeling career, and when I arrived at my first amateur photo shoot I soon realized that the photographer wasn't shooting models; he was shooting a BJ contest.
S-Jax has ranked 279 over the last month and will likely shut it down with a tweaked hammy. Get well soon Capt'n Jack, in the meantime keep your game sharp by turning that woman over and jacking shots everywhere.

Fable: Jordan Crawford is a One Hit (Dunk?) Wonder

You know the name because he crowned the king, but ever since Jo-Craw started playing heavy
minutes he's been ballin out. He dropped 39 on Miami Wednesday and is taking 20 shots a game as a starter, because you sure as fuck don't want JaVale McGee touching the ball on O (although JaV-McG should be given credit for the raging trend of randomly tossing capital letters into the spelling of people's names). CraWfoRd is about as efficient as a Gatling gun but somebody's gotta put in work besides JoHn, and if anyone were to acknowledge that Yi JianLiaN was starting for the Wiz, BaraCk ObaMa would have to adopt a litter of puppies and skin them alive inside a GapFor Kids just to make Washingtonians slightly less depressed.

Fact: Anthony Randolph is Still Fuckin With The Bear

Tony Dolph's flirtation with The Bear has been well documented on TMZ and in People's magazine, go back in time and peep our April posts of last year. With M'cLovin out for a few games Randy Dolphin made some rare starts, and after a set of back to backs where he totaled 55pts and 26rebs (plus 6blk/stls and shiny %s) Fanarchy's mind was so absolutely blown he decided to start the skinny German bastard against me in our head 2 head grand finale. Shit son, we're tied. Get fucked by a pineapple Bo-Bandy!

Fable: Kyle Lowry is a Nice Sleeper For Next Year

Do not sleep on him! Dude destroyed Aaron Brooks' career in H-town and is a top 50 player this season, top 5 in the last month, just look! I doubt you drafted him, I guarantee you he won't slip again because Kyle Lowry has Bear-like skills.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Fantasy Basketball: Drinking at Sea

The sun was blinding. As soon as I stepped off the plane I couldn't see shit. How long had we been in the air for? 5? 6 hours? After Serge Ibaka had secured the win for me by blocking two shots in the fourth quarter against a slow as shit Portland team, Sunday night had turned into a carnival of hookers, cocaine and armed robbery that was winding down some 36 hours later when the pilot I had hired was falling asleep at thirty thousand feet.
"We need to land this damn plane or Shuttlesworth is gonna drink my blood in the Finals!" I screamed, holding the pilots unconscious head up so he wouldn't swallow his own tongue. Crash and the newly fantasy relevant Carl Landry were slamming shots of Patron in the planes bathroom when I barged in like an animal. "Get fucking Keith Smart on phone! We're gonna have to land this flying whore show ourselves."
Keith was hesitant and the Warriors were by no means a lock against John Wall. He got distracted when Javale McGee was verging on his new career high of 28 points, but Monta Ellis was able to take over near the end, allowing Smart enough of a breather to talk us through a difficult landing just inside the Las Vegas state line. The sun was blinding. As soon as I stepped off the plane I knew we needed to bury or burn the evidence of the night before and Carl Landry was no exception. We flagged down the first trucker we saw and some old boy named Large George gave us a ride in the trailer. He dropped us off at the Bellagio and thanked us for our discretion when it came to the 150 pounds of northern lights we'd ridden in the back with. He gave us a small back pack full and we never saw him again. I turned to Carl Landry: "Thanks for everything Carl; the safe code numbers, the Berlin contacts, the way your filling in for David West. It means a lot to our organization and if it were up to me, I'd bring you with us but you know as well as I do that we'd drown in red tape and that's how those bastards getcha." He shed a single tear as me and Crash jumped in the first limo we saw, demanding to be taken to a high stakes betting parlor, stuffing handfuls of bills into the confused drivers coat pockets. I'd secured a spot in the H2H finals but the night wasn't over yet, not if I was gonna finish on top.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Monday, March 21, 2011

Late Night Fantasy Basketball

I looked in the freezer for ice. Nothing. Scotch, no rocks then. I felt a drunken confidence about my team I'd not felt since I told myself Brandon Jennings was a "steal" in the fifth round on draft day. I'd gone into the playoffs second overall and managed to squeak thru the first round 5-4 on all the small ball cats. A couple nervous moments when I was down 6-3 on Saturday night, but Sunday games from a few of my key guards smoothed things over and put me into next week against a tough 6th place team that had somehow started Tyreke Evens, even though he wasn't due back until late March. It was a good feeling. I had money riding on this one. The kind of money you don't want to lose or very bad men would come looking for it. Money I didn't have. I made a few calls just in case, first to my opponent, then to Carlos Boozer and the rest of his starting forwards. "Hello Carlos....It's not important who this is.....Don't steal any minutes from Taj Gibson this week or things could get very ugly for Tom Thibodeau in the coach of the year race!"
I hung up satisfied and poured myself another warm scotch, reflecting on the nausea I felt from being forced to start Ron Artest for another god damn week. He'd do for now. My whole team would. But it was unacceptable against the powerhouse number one ranked team I would meet in the finals. A team that had sleepwalked through the season and won the first round 8-1 like it was carrying in the groceries for dinner. No, I'd need to take drastic measures if this season was gonna climax into a championship, need to do something rash. I took a drink and made another call, this one all the way to the White House....

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Toney Douglas : 3pt Reciprocal

Nice Work Toney! D'antoni promised him big minutes even in the wake of Mr Big Shot's return, and everyone knows D'antoni loves fantasy, and is looking out for GM's everywhere. Toney's been seeing an average of 30 min this March, even off the bench (although he did start 6 games earlier this month, and 4 of those were W's). 17 trey balls in the last 3 games (including a staggering 9/12 from deep against Memphis on March 17th), and a total of 35 in March alone, all on 48% shooting. I'd label him a specialist if he wasn't also beefing up your other cats with almost 6 apg as well as a handful of rebounds. We've seen alot of random upstarts jacking 3's for the fantasy heavy Knicks this year but Toney has remained the most consistent, so maybe I should have posted this before the default trade deadline in most leagues, cause he's probably not on the waiver.... Damn.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Facts and Fables, Part 1A

Fable: Reality is perception.

Not in fantasy land it isn't
; case and point #32 for the Clips and #2 for the Wiz. The parrot at my Granny's old folks home could tell you Blake and John (who are both on a first name basis with the Bear) are epic freak athletes who are going to run shit in the NBA long after David Stern's corpse is found in a dumpster behind 7-Eleven. That's the reality. The perception is that John and Blake are fantasy beasts as well. WRONG! Johnny's season average ranks just in front of Miami's Mario and Mike, and right behind Tony Douglas and Daniel Gibson. Nobody wants to be behind Tony Douglas, Roger Mason clearly hates his life. Same ish for Blake. Grant Hill, Tard Lewis and Thaddeus Young (althought they are 3s with PF eligibility) all rank higher than Gryffindor. If anyone actually drafted Chuck Hayes ahead of Blake, as the rankings would suggest you should have, I will get on my knees and **** your ****.

Fact: Triple doubles > wins in Washington.

First Andray tried, then Javale succeeded. Ja-raff was so overjoyed about his numbers he got a T for his victory pull-up, although the Wiz weren't victorious. Blatche's near t-dub gave the Wiz a rare W, to his great despair.

Fable: I will not buy into Marcus Thornton next year after he fantasy-fucked so many nice people in 10/11.

The guy just needs minutes. Fuck his individual defense or lack thereof, that's why you have Sammy D on the block. His numbers in March: 39min 23-3-3-2-2 on close to 50%fg and 80%ft. What the crap?

Fact:I love Chuck Hayes, I'm not just saying that because I'm drunk.

Chuckwagon is a 6'6 center who D's up hard in reality, and is constantly making me smile in fantasy. Apparently I'm not the only one who feels that way, this demented crackpot put "The Wagon" on his top 50 bubble while the likes of Marc Gasol and Andrew Bogut dropped out of favor. 30pts 26rebs 8dimes 7stl/blk for Chucky in his last 2.

Fact or Fable toss-up:

-If Julain Assange gets booked in Sweden, the Bear may become more politically conscious.
-One month would be enough time before the Bear begins to make Japanese nuclear references.

Javale McGee: 12 Blocks

Too Lazy, Go Here.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Nice Work, Jodie Meeks!

Fucking Killing it in March! In 6 games Meeks is doing 13 points, 1.3 steals and 2.6 threes a game. Just in time for playoffs too. A measly 18% ownership in yahoo leagues means he's probably available in your house as well. Go get him!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Fantasy Hype Machine: PF changes in the Fantasy Basketball Landscape

Listen to the first cuts of this album about Point Guards, Shooting Guards and Small Forwards.

To call the bear a fantasy basketball engineer is like calling myself an environmental technician even though I mow my lawn with gasoline. I care about the environment (my porch is a raccoon drop-in center with all you can eat garbage), and have somehow 'engineered' my way to a top spot in two of my four leagues. I credit this to getting off food and concentrating on the booze for a while. It gives me laser like focus and intensity. I wake up in interesting places and the Bear always calls me back. Enough about my life goals, let's have a look at some stunner Power Forwards who have slipped their finger into the butthole of roster-ability, big time:

Kevin Love: 3's, Rebounds
And How! Danny KLOVEr has been a man possessed this season (possessed to play amazing so he can leave Minnesota, see: Al Jefferson). He scores the ball in the post, has range for days, presenting match up problems for a good chunk of the leagues 4's, and hasn't missed a double-double since November 22nd. That's about 250 straight games by my count. He's also got seven 30/15 games to his name, some of those being 30/20's and a 30/30. Your probably thinking: "Holy shit! Kevin Love is playing well this year? That's amazing fucking news!" What you didn't know is that he's stepping in as the new King of all Kings in Egypt once Mubarak is assassinated and I'm currently in the process of buying his semen off e-bay so I can spike the local water supply and surround my self with hyper-rebounding ultra men that can dazzle my fans with trick shots when I grow weary of signing autographs.

Al Horford: Efficiency,
Another man child who has played himself into a possible first round selection next year with his uber-efficient all-round game (Hello Alf Horf, Goodbye Brook Lopez). Al's game has been pretty steady ever since his rookie year. His blocks won't anchor you but they help (1.1/game). His rebounds have been sticking around 10 per game since year one and he doesn't turn the ball over a whole lot. FG% and FT% are really what kicked the Horfs game into high gear this season as he's doing career highs in both. 56% on 12 shots is good stuff and while his 82% on 2.5 free throw attempts per game don't wow you, they don't hurt either, which about all you can ask from some center eligible types these days.

Lamarcus Aldridge
: Stud
Where in next years draft has Lamarcus Aldridge played himself into? Top 10? Just after Pau? Nah, too soon. Aldridge has been scoring the shit outta the ball as the primary focus of the Blazers offense with Brandon Roy out and has kept his defense stout with 2.3 combines steals and blocks. Post-3rd-year-hype-breakout-2nd-round-sleeper? Sounds about right.

Amir Johnson: Neighbor to a Friend
'Feisty' Johnson as his teammates all him, is having on of those "efficient" fantasy seasons you keep hearing about on other blogs. He doesn't turn it over much and shoots a ridiculously high percentage because he has taken three shots outside the paint all season. While his per-36s don't quite measure up to his explosive Detroit years, no one is mad because blocking 400+ shots a season just does not happen anymore. 10/7 with 1.5 blocks aren't the stuff dreams are made of, but for a guy that doesn't hurt you anywhere and was an afterthought in most drafts, he's paying off nicely.

Kris Humphries: Dipping is pen in the kompany ink
What the fuck? Where did Humph come from this year? He's averaging 11 off the glass as a starter and making Brook Lopez his bitch when it comes to boards. He's another inside presence, like Amir, so he shoots a great percentile, doesn't turn it over and doesn't hurt you at the line. I get the feeling that he's not a long term piece of the puzzle in NJ though. Not russian enough.

Blake Griffin: Awesomist
Who doesn't love Blake this year? You? Then fuck you! I don't like you! Blake is dominating and
the Clippers future is somehow looking bright. He's doesn't rack up a lot of defensive stats and his free throw shooting is starting to become a negative, but fuck that shit. I want Blakey on my team next year and not even Shuttlesworth can stop me.

Monday, March 7, 2011


Sunday March 6th, 2011

Spurs Vs Lakers
Naahh it's cool Manu, Time Duncan was basically just as bad. Combined 4/17 fg% and a total of 8 pts, in a combined 46 minutes. Disappointing, and who the fuck is Gary Neal?

Chicago Vs 'A combined 69pts from the Big 3'
They shot a staggering 51 attempts from the field and 18 free throws combined, beasted heavy for lines like D-Wade's 20pts, 4rebs, 5ast, 7to's!!!!!, Bron Bron's 26pts, 8rebs, 6ast, 2stl, and CB4's 23pts, 5rebs, 1stl, 1blk, but still couldn't come up with the win. That's 4 straight losses for the Heat, and 4 steps closer to Erik Spoelstra losing his job. Who knows, maybe it's not his fault, maybe it's cause D-Wade can't throw his keys to a valet driver without someone else catching them.

Golden State Vs Philly
Iggy triple dubbed (I said it... Iggy), a quietly efficient 15-10-11, while Jrue Holiday almost did the same (16-8-7), with 6 steals between the 2 of them. I didn't see the game personally, but can anyone clarify if all 6 of those thefts occurred from Monta Ellis' possession? Also, props to Thaddeus Young for putting up a solid line and closing the book in my favor (last minute) in another nail biting head 2 head weekly battle. Thadd had 20-7 with a block and 2 steals. Nice.

Knicks Vs Hawks
Toney Douglas as a starter, I like it. Serious streaker, but D'Antoni is a believer, and Tone-Tone has rewarded D'Antoni's faith with 22 trey-balls since Feb 1st. Atlanta had a relatively uneventful day for fantasy ball on Sunday, not a single player reached the 20pt pinnacle, a seemingly reoccurring trend for the Hawks lately.

New Orleans Vs Cleveland
I thought this dude's last name was 'Poindexter' at first glance. Pretty fucking close!

OKC Vs The Suns
Gortat is a beast! I've heard people drop his name as a potential Keeper going into next year now that he's in Arizona. Split stats reveal his numbers almost doubling since January, currently averaging 8 more pts per game than he did in December. Dead fucking serious about Polish people man.

Side note to this game: what happened Durant? Sure, sure, 11/12 from the line is tight, but 3/14 from the field in 44min of play? It was overtime for fucks sake! Thank god for Nick Collison (j/k).

Memphis Vs Dallas
Shane Battier put up a double-double, gobbling up 11-11. Unfortunately that meant Zach Randolph was only able to accumulate 9 boards (to go along with 27pts and 4 steals), which in turn halted an on again - off again double double streak he has going. Can Zach deal with this? Does Shane know who he's dealing with? Does Eddy Curry miss Zach Randolph's company?

Boston Vs The Bucks
Krstic put together the best of his last 4 games (all including double digit scoring and low TO's), scoring 17pts on 87.5% fg and 75% ft, effectively clearing the way for Jermaine O'Neal to retire... or fuck off... however you see it.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Matty Bones aka The Red Rocket aka King Ginger Jesus aka Orange Rain is demanding your damned respect! Is fantasy b-ball still relevant to you? Yes? Nice, congrats. Now then, might you be in need of 3's without compromising efficiency? Well then, talk about a match made in heaven. MB15 is to you like what a ChuckECheese parking lot is to a pedophile: BONANZA! Peep the line from last night: 24min, 18pts, 5rebs, 6/7fg, 6/7tres! Like whoa, talk about a specialist. Str8-Bone'n has more 3s this season than Mamba and Ben Gordon (who fuckin sucks) while appearing in 17 less games and playing far less minutes. My advice to you, Diamond Dallas Page, is to get your sandwich on. My advice to all you Bear-believers is to check the wire ASAP for this soulless assassin b4 he rains one-handed jimmys on your family and fucks your shit stack.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Nice Work, Dwight Howard!

Post all-star Dwighty is killing it! In Fact, 2011 Dwight is also killing it! In his last 9 games, he's been swatting 3 shots per and shooting a week-after-week winning 67% from the floor! Holy exclamation points!