Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Round 2, Pick 23

23. Rajon Rondo

I can't imagine this is how he thought this photo would turn out

A team that manages to pair two multi-cat stat stuffers like Lebron and Rondo in the first two rounds is a very lucky team indeed. This goliath is now stacked in assists, steals and FG% while on the hunt for blocks, 3's and rebounds in later rounds. The only thing this team will likely get pummeled in is FT%. But the bear is always watching the board in the later rounds for contributors who murder it from the line. The Maggetes, the Martins, the Boshs's's...

Monday, September 27, 2010

Round 2, Pick 22

22. D-12

It's safe to say Dwighty is a big boy. A shot blocking, field goal draining, free throw % murdering lunatic with no regard for human life. You put this reverse 20/10 apache master in the same rotation as CP3 and you've got a combined projected average of 37pts, 16 rebs, and 13 ast, 3.5 stl, 2.5 blks, virtually no 3's whatsoever and the makes of the most strappingly handsome team the fantasy elite has ever seen.

Kobe is NOT shy

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Round 2, Pick 21

21. Melo

Ahh, Carmelo Anthony, a cold, wet drink of water in a dusty hot desert. Melo has it all, points, boards, all star appearances, mediocre playoff runs, trade rumors, a wife, kids, a mortgage, 8 cars and apparantley an upcoming reality TV show. So we figured fuck it, lets pair em' with Danny. Obviously putting points on the board won't be a problem for these 2 youngins (combined age of 53 only!!! thats less than Mutumbo). In the wake of such headline stealing media beasts like the big 3 in Miami and the scandal artists in LA, Melo often gets over looked. That is to say, overlooked by almost everyone except the big bellied fat cats pushing pens and signing his checks (you apparantley saw that right, Zach Randolph, Kirilenko and the injury plagued Michael Redd make more cash, but Melo's reality show should cover the difference). I could ramble on, you know Carmelo is gonna score frenetically, and is usually good for some boards. Yahoo puts him at 12 overall, and he fell to 21 here, so get on that. After all, Melo's a human being goddammit! His fantasy game has value!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Round 2, Pick 20

20. Jason Kidd

Dallas connection! Holy Fuck! Mark Cuban! Texas Red Eye! I think Jkidds decline has been over-stated this off season. Sure the 'ricks need to get Roddy Bowbwa some pt, but they also need to continue competing as there stars fade into the sunset. It's now or never for a once promising franchise that has invested in a bunch of declining small forwards (Marion, Butler) and shitty centers (Haywood, Tyson Chandler). Jason should still be good this year for what he's been doing best lately: Dimes, Bombs and Swipes. Oh and his wife, she's apparently easy on the eyes.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Round 2, Pick 19

19. Crash

I've decided to fix myself up with the kid here at 19th overall. Injury is gonna be the only thing that holds me back from another year of pure orgasmic fantasy hustle. Last year I put up a combined 2.6 defensive points and a career high in rebounds, out boarding fools like Stat, Josh Smitty and Brook Lopez who were all drafted earlier, so its no wonder Yahoo was calling me out at 14th overall. I also got my shit together as far as shooting went with 48% in my 76 games (also a career high games played in 1 season). Team 6 has already drafted Curry showing an enthusiasm for taking risks early so drafting a high risk / high reward player such as myself comes as no surprise.

Now, back to my online Yahoo mock drafts where I wouldn't take a single thing the Bear ever says seriously if my life depended on it.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Rd 2. Pick. 18

18. Al Ricardo Jefferson

Seriously, his middle name is Ricardo.

Im ready for a big year outta Al Jeff... I mean BIG...(he's gone Mormon and wants to stay put in Utah with a multitude of wives.) Hes given us stretches of brilliance, but overall, his health issues have kept him from attaining the fantasy greatness we all hoped that he would. Last year especially, dashed my hopes, but 07' through the spring of 09' is what i'm looking for this year, here's hoping Al dives into another 20/10/peripherals filled playpen of stats.

Round 2, Pick 17

17. Brook Lopez
The thought of joining Condo on team 8 has Brook biting his knuckles with excitement. Although Condo and BLO have disagreed in the past, the two are a perfect compliment for one another. Lopez is a 9 outta 10 on the roto-erotic scale. He's a 22 year old legit 7 footer, and in his third year could bump his averages up to 20-10-2 while shooting 50% and 80%. Pair that with Condo, and no doubt team 8 will be shit kicking the competition.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Round 2, Pick 16

16. Dr. Cock & Balls

We callin' Chauncey.... Chauncey to the front please. Would the real Chauncey Billups please stand up? In a spot like 16 here with Pau already on board, a reliable pg is what you need. Looks like we are gunning for big assists (as Gasol also is normally good for an effective handful), steady scoring and solid defensive stats. Experience is the name of the game for this team, and they now have a solid backbone, high value on the roster, and more Zazz than an inwardly congratulatory fantasy basket ballblog.

Added bonus is that with a foundation like this, you get more of a window for drafting tempting youth in the next few rounds.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Round 2, Pick 15

15. Brandon Roy

Now, like the lot of you, we would take Gerald Wallace at this spot.... normally. Who the fuck wouldn't? The mans a modern day Fantasy Matrix (think 03' through 07'). But it's early, and there is a point guard position to fill. Josh Smitty is gonna need someone to dish while he bangs. Brandon Roy fits the roll of both studly and youthful, he has exuberant keeper potential and the chances of him getting injured are waaaaaay less than Gerald's.... right?

Shit dog! Wrong picture...
That's what Brandon Roy's gonna look like once he discovers oxycontin.

Round 2, Pick 14

14. Steve Nash

Steve Nash is a nice addition to this team, which already features a very efficient David Lee. Nash plays nicely with Davey's %'s and assists. While he might miss Amare a little, what he won't miss is his long, beautiful hair. Now this team has rebounding, scoring, passing, shooting and turnovers out the arse. The only thing it doesn't have is defense. Practically none. Zilch. But that's okay because I idolize Mike D'antoni and Don Nelson like they were....what the hell? Why did this picture come up again when I searched for Don Nelson?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Round 2, Pick 13

13. A'ma're Stoude'mire

Team 12 is looking like a winner by pairing up STAT with Dwilliams. Amare is a healthy? young stud who should flourish in Mike D'Antoni's hi-octane, New Yolk offense. David Lee is out, Harrington is out, Anthony Randolph is in. Wilson Chandler is a douche and Gallinari is a guitar playing rooster. None of this should effect Stats minutes. Expect his usual 20+ points along with 9+ boards and reeedikulus FG%. However, he might just stop playing defense entirely, freeing himself up to cherry pick under the oppositions basket and register a career low in blocks. And Why the fuck not? No one has registered 82 blocks in a season for the Knicks since Dikembe Mutombo played 23 minutes per game back in odd4. So really, Why the fuck not?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Round 1, Pick 12

12. Deron Williams

Team 12 breezes into the end of the first round with the sexiest point guard still available. Sure his steals won't ever match his esteemed class mates steals. They might not even match up with all those apples I stole at work today. But seeing as how there's only about a half dozen guards in the draft who provide dimes with firm, red skin and delicious, efficient percentages that feel ripe when you squeeze them, it's terribly important to get on that shit early. Having said all that, there is a school of thought about Al Jefferson being an offensive black hole, drawing all the sweet dates everyone else has picked into his own basket. Fuck em. D-will is a baller and he'll provide a harvest of stats the likes of which that fruit orchard you work at has never seen.

Next up: Team 12 tests the effects of Zero-Gravity on mock drafting!

Round 1, Pick 11

11. David Lee

If team 9 isn't mad at Pau then the bottom feeders at round 11 are borderline gay with David Lee. Not only does David Lee Roth belong to the same boisterous 20-10 club as Pick 10, upcoming pick Amare 'Stat'oumire and 'major marijuana supplier' Zach Randolph, his assists per game have increased to a shade under 4 bangers. Unlike the more favorable Josh Smith coming in at 10, Davey hasn't been able to muster up a block a game in any of his professional seasons, although within the last 2 years he has solidified a steal per, you gotta like that, and 81 games played in each of his last 3 years is highly tempting. Now if you've owned David before and you're still pissed at Isiah Thomas for raping his playing time early on, then im sure theres frenzied panic running through your head regarding what Don Nelson is gonna do, but at Pick 11, the time for David Lee is now.

If Don Nelson see's this he's gonna trip.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Round 1, pick 10

10. Josh Smith
Why J-Smoove at ten you ask? Many fantasyphiles would scream for the likes of D.Lee, Deron (receding) Williams, or the man they call STAT. The combination of numbers "20 and 10" holds great pull in fantasy land, and for good reason. However, where can you find a statistical smorgasbord a la Josh Smith? In Atlanta, I suppose. While he may not return to the days of a 3 block per average, Smitty sports a 2 to 1 assist to turnover ratio, and you can bank on a minimum 3.5 combined defensive stats a game. If he can muster a respectable ft% near 70 this season, you can toss in 16ppgs and 9rpgs and call the man top 5. What's that? I can still hear you screaming for David Lee! Well, wear out your voices amigos and don't let the rebound numbers (New York's next best rebounder last year was a tie in which nobody won between Danilo Gallinari and Al Harrington) or increase in assists (fancy dimes to ones self won't be counted in G-State) sway you. Take a chance on percentages, take a chance on freakish athleticism, take a chance on a dude who turns 25 this year and is entering his prime.

Round 1, pick 9

9. Pau Gasol

Pau could morph back into a lama at any minute, so he feels good here.The Lakers ain't changed much this off-season and neither should Uncle Gasol's fantasy outlook. He's always been the solid Spaniard who chips in multiple categories. Blocks, FG% and rebs are to be expected but the 3+ assists he's averaged for his career are a boon. Make no mistake though, Pau has never been made of steel in his 9 year NBA Career. He's capped 70+ games in only 5 of his 9. Havin said that, we ain't mad at Pau. We feel sorry for what Mel G did to him.

Round 1, Pick 8


First it was 'D-Wade', then we called him 'Flash', we called him 'Champion' in 2006, 'Olympian' in 2008, then 'Marijuana Sex Condo' last year, a brief stint as "Sex Condo", and now we've shortened it to simply 'Condo.'
Since the 04'-05' season the points have been abundant, he's always been unafraid to steal the ball, he evens stops short with an average of 1 block per game on his career. There's always been concern about the turnovers, the sly goose averages just a slice under 4 per game (3.71 to's), although with the breathy selection of scoring options under Miami's 'Big 3 Regime', Condo could keep those tricky handouts to a minimum. Of course that would come at the cost of less touches on the court. Does this mean more touches off the court? I'm still looking up the address of that elusive Condo.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Round 1, Pick 7

7. Kobe Bryant and his checkered past
Team 7 is a little shocked that hot young bucks like Deranger and Steph Curr are already gone as we projected to be picking from this youthful stew at the anti-climatic 7-spot, and with Wade sharing minutes with these two, we have decided fully and completely to take the 5 time NBA champion Kobe Bryant. You draft safe and you contend, Kobe's got a few more 80+ pt games left in him, why shouldnt he rock that shit with team 7?

Can you say MVP? How about studly?

Round 1, Pick 6

6. Steph Curry

Team 6 is gonna be a miserable cunt and pass on the more veteran and arguably safer Wades, Kobes and Pows for an injection of fantasy youth. Steph balled like it was stolen last year culminating in an explosive orgasm of an April, posting a line of 26pts/8assts/6rebs with a combined 5.7 stls/3s package! A golden, dripping, Don Nelson infested package that was so thick and rich you could eat it on toast. The talent is not the worry of course. The question marks surrounding the warriors are every ones main concern. Who is gonna give up shots to David Lee? Could Don Nelson force Steph to play center? How will the absence of Ronny Turiaf affect the GS offence? Our experts say not at all and they sign my cheques so I'm inclined to agree. Team 6 is looking like a savvy youth oriented squad with good looks to spare and balls to match.

Next up: Team 7 surprises our panel of sexperts by selecting little known d-league project Jeff Trepagnier!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Round 1, Pick 5

5. Dirk Nowitzki

Not the sexiest pick in the world, but godamnit, like my Toyota Echo, it's a reliable one. Dirks balls have stopped dropping.....from beyond the arc the last few seasons, but the real value in Witzkis game comes from his unwavering ability to put up 23+ pts on tasty %'s, 7.5+ boards and not hurt you with To's. While steals/blocks/3s were once part of the package, Old man Dirk (quick check:...only 32?? haha, fuck.) has kept the value going by playing 76+ games since his 2nd season in the L. This is an easy pick for team 5, who was desperate not to gamble on Wade.

Up Next: Team 6 gambles on Wade!