Friday, January 21, 2011

Fantasy Hype Machine: SF Changes in the Fantasy Basketball Landscape

Read the first two parts of this series about Point Guards and Shooting Guards here and here.

elcome home to the 3rd installment of Fantasy Hype Machine, where we explore the statistical changes in the various positions of the NBA and compare those changes to that player's sexual prowess. Is Micheal Beasley a small forward or more of a fluffer? Does Wilson Chandler need to take 5 threes a game to satisfy Mike D'Antoni's wife? Can Ron Artest finish the sexual obstacle course we set up in our office? Let's have a look:

Rudyard Gay: Finally Busting Out of his Fantasy Brazier
Rudy has always had talent. He's always had the athleticism. What he might have lacked (or had been accused of lacking) was drive. He fades in tight games they said. His shit is weak sauce they said. Well no longer (fer fantasy sake). Now Rudy is just the right size for the super bowl and he's getting invited on to the bus in a big way. Career highs in all the counting stats and some disdain for me calling him out in this article are all the motivations Rudy needs to keep the fantasy flowing in GMs favor. 1.1 blocks, 1.3 threes and 1.8 steals are just a few of the statistical highlights Gay is carrying around in his European carry-all this season. FT%, FG% and scoring also accentuate this year's resume like a stint of volunteering at an old folks home. Despite this, Memphis is still wallowing at 19-23 in the tough Western Conference, where they haven't made the playoffs since I bet Crash the Pau led Grizzlies would beat Dirk's champions in the first round of the 2005 post season. Pau and I lost.

Wilson Chandler: D'Antoni reach around
Wilson has been fucking killing it this year. It looked like he might be on the short end of the playing time stick heading into the season, but then he heard I drafted him in the keeper league and BAM! Fantasy fuck fest. A hearty sprinkling of Mike D'Antoni's mustache wax has allowed WC to produce in a big way. 1.7 3's and 1.4 blocks mixed with 1.3 to's have skyrocketed Chandlers value to a top 20ish impact. And he's only the 3rd best fantasy basketball player on the Knicks.

Boris Diaw
: Hot Turn Overs
With Tyrus Thomas announcing that he's shutten 'er down for a while, the Bobcats defacto PF is now drunk Uncle Boris. He's too slow for SF and too small for PF making him just right to play in the bastardized line-up that trots the floor in Charlotte most nights. He's settled his line the last couple years into a sort of useless 12/5/4 but with enough turnovers to hurt you and not enough FG% volume to really help you. What the fuck happend to that beautiful, roto glory he once achieved in Phoenix not so long ago (6 years? really? jesus fuck). 13/6/7 with a block and 52% from the floor is the stuff of fantasy legends. But then he busts out this sort of game and yer left scratching your Diaws, wondering why he can't do it every night. Now Boris annually sits around pick 100, waiting to be taken by that reluctant manager, who's drawn to his trend of 30+ minutes the last 3 years. Oh and I lied about Tyrus Thomas, he wasn't effecting the situation at all.

Hedo TurkyGlue
: Orlando Resurgence
This Turkish pirate really fucked over my Raptors last season. Going from clutch-time game-saver to no-clutch super douche will really sour an already biased opinion. Seeing him fail miserably for the Suns took some of the edge off, but fantasy monster ballin' once again in Orlando really makes my blood boil (I can taste copper). As soon as Turk hopped back on Superman's cape, he was averaging 6 assists, 1.3 steals and 1.5 3's on 40% from deep faster than you can say "everybody gets one".

Mike Dunleavy: Back at 'er
After painful haircuts marred his career, Mike Dunleavy exploded in 07/08 for a Hedo-esque career year (19/5/3.5 with 2 threes per) and was looking like a keeper for George Orwell until another horrible haircut/injury robbed him of all but 18 games the next season. Two year later and he's found a way to fend off Brandon Rush for enough playing time (on average 30 min) to give your team a quiet boost in 3's and buzzer beating tip-ins.

Nick Young: A Shooting Guard
I know Young Neezy is really more of a shooting guard but I forgot about him in the last piece and felt the neezy to write something nice about him. He's got a great to shoot the ball? Yes, Neez is not afraid to shoot now that Daddy Gilbert is out of town, hucking 15+ shots a game since early December, one third of those being 3's. As a starter, Young is averaging 20 points, 2.2 threes and less than 2 TO's. It could also be said that he doesn't pass, rebound or play much fantasy defense or that shooting 44% on 5 threes a game is unsustainable, but he's got a heck of a smile.

Demar Derozen: Also a shooting guard
Too gangly for a 3. Not much of a jumper for a 2. But that's what they said about Jason Richardson (ed: No, they didn't). Demar has become the Raptors secondary scorer behind Andrea Bargnani and has demonstrated the ability to get to the rim and not take 3's (that's an ability). January has offered Demar a career high 36+ minutes and he's scoring nearly 20 points a night. Like Nick Young though, Derozan offers little outside of non-painful FG% and Points and the PT has come with a crushing 2.8 TO's.

"Sweet" Lou Deng: 3's
I got unusually aroused when I read this article pre-season. It made me think that Lou Deng might start taking more 3's. My brain and the article were right. Lou is making about 1.5 a game and roughly following his career with 17/6/2. Not amazing, but still pretty good for an englishman.

Trevor Ariza: Over hyped Douche
The worst part about fantasy basketball blogging is having to look at horrible stats. The best part is signing autographs on breasts. Ariza owns shooting percentages that look like the chances of getting some action at the bar, the moon and the street corner. 38% off the floor, 28% beyond the arc and 67% from the stripe are some truly atrocious numbers from a player that has been in the NBA for 9 years and is 6 months younger than me. He really turned that 08' playoff performance into money, making Rick Adelman and Leslie Alexander looks like total cunts for signing him in the off season.

Shane "Courtney" Battier: Roto-Sexual
Steals+Blocks+3's-Turnovers= Yahoo Super Boner! If your fantasy team was made up of Shane Battiers you would lose. No one would score, they would all play staunch defense and get all the loose balls, high fives and everything else that doesn't show up in a boxscore. It's been the same damn thing for sugar Shane since his second year in the league, get 30+ minutes, hustle on D and spot up deep on offense. He's been hovering in and around the 1/1/1 club his whole career and he's got the IQ of a kick boxing scientist. I'm not saying he's not good, just that quiet efficiency doesn't not win championships.

Jamario Moon: Blown Chances
Speaking of production that get's over rated by player raters, Moon has one of those season for the Raptors back in rookie year where he went for 1.4 blocks and a steal with a lowly 51 turnovers in 75 games. He's yet to make anything of himself though he did hit all of his 7 free throws this year. He's so brave.

Fransisco Garcia: Back of the Bus
Just got injured, fuck writing about this guy.

Micheal Beasley: More of a Fluffer
Cool Daddy Beas has gotten a show of faith from Kurt Rambis this year and has managed to score the ball a fair amount after Kevin Love is done with it. It seems that this article has featured a lot of players that can score and don't do whole lot else. Micheal is no exception as he's failed to do anything besides score and not hurt your FG%. After starting the season hot, Super Cool Beas....cooled...fuck....chilled out lately with injuries and general douche bagery that's dropped his scoring average to 14 points per game in January. Will he ever be able to kick his secret drug habit? The Bear got an exclusive interview:

The Bear: So Mike, how's the weed smoking?

Micheal Beasley: Let's get Omega Baked! Tyyaaoo!

Mike's Mom: What's going on in there? You two have been in the bathroom for 20 minutes!

The Bear: Thanks for the interview, I'm leaving through the window.

Tayshaun Prince: The same shit for 8 years
How much less exciting can a player get? 14/3/5 for 7 straight years? Boring! How about some blocks? Some 3s? Some steals? I guess quiet consistency has a place in every managers line-up. Except mine.

Nicolas Batum: A little too much hype, but still pretty good
Nicolas Batum was a lot of Fantasy GM's favorite sleeper coming into the season and he hasn't disappointed too much compared to average draft position. He's currently 91 over at GMTR and 60th overall if you ask Yahoo. He was starting in October, lost is job, won it back with Brandon Roy out and has posted a decent first month of 2011. 15 points, 5 rebounds and 1.8 threes with 0.6 turnovers are positive signs for the young Frenchman and he could easily play his way into a top 50 (for roto purposes) spot by the end of the year.

Grant Hill
: The Detroit years
I just had a quick look at Grant Hill's stats for his first six years in the league. 21.5 points, 7.7 rebounds, 6.2 assists and 1.6 steals are some astounding numbers from a player I never got to see in his prime. Had the injuries not taken hold, He would have been one of the all time greats. Not dead quite yet though, as Grant is taking on a larger scoring role in the desert this season averaging a five year high of 15 points a game on 51% from the floor 83% from the line. I need the Suns training staff to have a look at my delirium tremens and see if they can't prolong my career a few more years...

The Bear would also like to announce our new corporate sponsors: Nissan! To celebrate this momentous occasion, we've teamed up to produce the first Fantasy Basketbear-mobile. A car that runs on pure counting stats, percentages and H2H victories.

Use the NBA Spider Graph generator here

Thanks for tuning in. Next up we take a long hard look in the mirror and ask: What are we doing with our lives?


  1. I clicked on the superboner link and can't peel myself away

    Grant Hill was going to be the next Jordan. Well maybe not, but not far off.

  2. Word, Grant Hill was an original Point Forward

  3. HA, I make it seem like Diaw is so shitty.

  4. I picked up Chandler at the beginning of the year and he has been my second best player (behind Dirk).