Thursday, March 31, 2011

Facts and Fables, Part 3X

Fact: Acquiring Stephen Jackson is a Kiss of Death

I knew this, but it didn't stop me.. George Orwell played me like a game of go fish, his exact words: "S-Jax is gunna go off with Crash gone". In a state of blinding competitiveness I fell for the line. It was as if I was some buxom 18 year old blond who had aspirations of a modeling career, and when I arrived at my first amateur photo shoot I soon realized that the photographer wasn't shooting models; he was shooting a BJ contest.
S-Jax has ranked 279 over the last month and will likely shut it down with a tweaked hammy. Get well soon Capt'n Jack, in the meantime keep your game sharp by turning that woman over and jacking shots everywhere.

Fable: Jordan Crawford is a One Hit (Dunk?) Wonder

You know the name because he crowned the king, but ever since Jo-Craw started playing heavy
minutes he's been ballin out. He dropped 39 on Miami Wednesday and is taking 20 shots a game as a starter, because you sure as fuck don't want JaVale McGee touching the ball on O (although JaV-McG should be given credit for the raging trend of randomly tossing capital letters into the spelling of people's names). CraWfoRd is about as efficient as a Gatling gun but somebody's gotta put in work besides JoHn, and if anyone were to acknowledge that Yi JianLiaN was starting for the Wiz, BaraCk ObaMa would have to adopt a litter of puppies and skin them alive inside a GapFor Kids just to make Washingtonians slightly less depressed.

Fact: Anthony Randolph is Still Fuckin With The Bear

Tony Dolph's flirtation with The Bear has been well documented on TMZ and in People's magazine, go back in time and peep our April posts of last year. With M'cLovin out for a few games Randy Dolphin made some rare starts, and after a set of back to backs where he totaled 55pts and 26rebs (plus 6blk/stls and shiny %s) Fanarchy's mind was so absolutely blown he decided to start the skinny German bastard against me in our head 2 head grand finale. Shit son, we're tied. Get fucked by a pineapple Bo-Bandy!

Fable: Kyle Lowry is a Nice Sleeper For Next Year

Do not sleep on him! Dude destroyed Aaron Brooks' career in H-town and is a top 50 player this season, top 5 in the last month, just look! I doubt you drafted him, I guarantee you he won't slip again because Kyle Lowry has Bear-like skills.

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